Love Me Jeje

Thoughts I Never Said.

I have found myself thinking of love more often than usual lately. I think it's the weather. I absolutely love the weather, it's perfect.

These days, I wear the flimsiest piece of clothing I can find in my wardrobe, just so the swirl of the wind wraps me up in that chilly embrace while I lay on my bed. I want to squeal with delight everytime I step outside and the cool breeze rushes across my face. I suppose this monologue is becoming a little weird, but if you know what I suffered in the first three months of this year you won't blame me.

I digress. I'm here to talk about love.

Every good thing has its downsides, and this really beautiful weather has drawn my attention to how chronically single I am. It's the famous “weather for two,” and guess who's alone? Yes, you guessed right.

I tell myself I don't mind being single, but my treacherous heart keeps straying towards love. My heart yearns for love. Reaching out before I can catch the feelings and snap it shut in a bottle. Need pulses through my vein, throbbing and aching with an almost feral desire to love and be loved. It's a trifle bit exhausting.

My Kind Of Love.

I want love, like in the movies and books. I want a love that is hard, but also soft and mushy in all the right places. I want to fall into someone and be cushioned by the warmth of their embrace. I want a love that sees all of me - every crevice, every corner, every flaw, every fragment, everything. I want all the love in the world.

But I get scared. So so scared that I sabotage it. As a self-aware person, I know that I would be completely finished in love, so my first reaction is to run. Flee instead of embracing the surge of emotions in me. I quench the fire before it even starts to burn. You can't blame me, I cannot bear the uncertainty. Love can be fleeting, and people are fickle. They can decide they don't want me anymore, and leave. Now, how do I deal with that?

Yes, I have and trust me it's not it at all.

Basically, the point of all this talk is that I’m scared to fall in love. I don't want to lose myself. I don't know if I would ever be able to recover from the loss of a person I poured myself into. I can't watch them slip from my hands like water. All the happy memories fading to blurry images in my mind’s eye. So when they pull closer, I pull away. And when they pull away, I pull closer. It's an endless waltz, and my feet ache in the worst way possible.

Another thing is the fact that I constantly feel like I have to fix something about myself. I'm too sensitive, too flippant, too strong-willed, too pliant, too quiet, too loquacious, too moody, too excited, too much. I'm never just right, never enough. I'm always fiddling with myself, looking for things to change. Things to fix.

How can I love when they tell me I can't love myself?

In my very superior opinion (I have read so many romance books, and my opinion should be valued), love is more than the tingly feelings you get when you think about them. Love is more than the flutter you get in your heart whenever you see them. Love is a choice, a responsibility. You see a person completely, with their flaws and you choose to love them. It takes full commitment to be able to see a person for who they are, and still choose to care for them.

Love is smoldering feelings, loud laughter, shared meals, comfortable silences, witty banter. Love is Daniel Caesar’s Japanese Denim. Love is also difficult conversations, honesty, interdependence, sacrifice, vulnerability, ugly fights, second chances, compromises. Love is Shakira’s Can't Remember To Forget You.

Is love really worth it? I don't know.

What I do know is that I want all the good things that life has to offer including love. Especially love..

PS: Music inspired the title and sub title of this newsletter. Love Me Jeje is a song by Tems. Thoughts I Never Said is an album by Odeal. You should check them out.

Thank you for reading. Off to nurse the writer’s block that has creeped up on me. Enjoy your weekend.❤️